Posted by maura on February 1st, 2010 — Posted in lesson's learned
I sometimes feel like I’ve made every wedding mistake in the book. Two dresses, under budgeting, booking vendors too early, not researching enough, and more.
I had a quick conversation with my step mother who was feeling left out of the planning and not included. I do believe the root of these feelings have to do with emotions about the event and less of the event details themselves. It’s about not knowing how people will fit in in the new family structure, of wanting their importance recognized and relationship validated. I didn’t quite know how to react, as those words hurt my feelings, went right to the core. We finished our call and I called B, crying, and wanted to elope to the NYC courthouse.
I suppose I had been focusing so much energy on my mom that I had been blindsided that I needed to equally make sure I was including others.
At this point in the game, there isn’t much to be decided on. Most decisions have been made, and we are finalizing options. Or working on DIY projects. I’ve learned to say ” this is what we are doing” rather than “We are thinking about this”. But mostly, I think family members just want to talk. They want to hear what we are doing, what we are planning, what’s going on. And share their thoughts and input.Including is having your relationship, and remembering to talk about things outside the wedding. (Or about the wedding in my case.)
I’m having some emotions about what our relationship is going to look like. We needed each other in years after my father passed. And then life happens, we heal, we continue on with our lives, as we should. Somehow, somewhere things shift, and this big event, amazing loving event that brings us all together causes more shifts. I keep going back and forth as to whether or not this shift is real? I do think things change, but it’s micro and over time.
It’s a big complicated messy time. And I’m ready for a margarita and a wedding planning free weekend.
Posted by maura on January 28th, 2010 — Posted in lesson's learned
Tags: daughters, feelings, mothers, sadness
I’ve found a whole tribe of men and women who are planning in the face of sadness. But what about strained relationships? Or not very close ones? I’m not terribly close with my mom. She’s a difficult and complicated person. I’ve made some choices in my life that put some space between us. Since our engagement, we’ve been talking a few times a week, up from once a week. It’s bringing to light all the differences and unresolved issues we’ve had over the years.
My mom has been loving and supportive all my life; she has contributed to shape me into the person I am- but you can’t choose your family. We have a lot of hurt and as repressed Irish Catholics – we keep it in. We can’t find the words to express our true feelings and when we finally summon the courage to do- it’s a emotionally fraught exchange. I’ve learned that my mom is the way she is after 60 years and that’s a lot of undoing of a lot of hurt and psychology that won’t happen in the next three months.
I’ve been rereading the Conscious Bride, especially the sections of letting go and poking around the Mother’s Hut online*. I’ve found it helpful to think about what my mother may be feeling. There have been tiffs over the color I picked for my sisters dress, classic example of the hard to name feelings that we’ve been having.
I’ve been very independent of my mother for many year now, and I feel sad that we aren’t very close. All the television programs out there show mothers and daughters saying yes to the dress together, going over flower arrangements and tastings. I’ve been doing that largely alone or with Bryan, or just outsourcing. And all of that’s fine. It’s just details, but magnifying our fraught relationship. I wish that we were closer, to spend more of this time together. Or even just to be able to talk about our feelings, but there is just a lot of distance between us. Getting married will change our relationship, perhaps not in the immediate but in the future. Bryan and I may move farther away, certainly when we have children. These are complicated emotions for me to navigate, and I imagine they are for my mother.
These unresolved issues are magnified- I am reliving years of my life, feeling sadness, disappointment, hurt in the span of weeks. And I’m not quite sure how to handle it. These are issues that have been below the surface for many years, just pushed aside or ignored. I’m challenged to learn how to navigate the next three months, which already seem more stressful**. I want her to understand my expectations for this remaining time and I want for her to communicate them to me. At the very least, get us to somewhere in the middle, where we can enjoy this time together and be celebratory. A place where our actions and their meaning, come from a place of love and respect.
*and sending dear mom some articles
** 'cause the BIG DAY is coming
Posted by maura on January 28th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
I’m about to unsubscribe to all my wedding blogs. I’m so fed up with these backyard weddings, at so and so parent’s house, with party lights from the trees, perfect summer lighting and cutsy signs.
Seriously, enough is enough.
We all don’t have access to a goddamn huge backyard that is conducive to party throwing. And let’s talk about the logistics for just one moment. Where does everyone go to the bathroom? Seriously? Right– ’cause you know people are going to have to pee after they’ve been drinking all night. So next time when these blogs features a backyard weddings, they better tell me where everyone is peeing.
Posted by maura on January 22nd, 2010 — Posted in hot dirty work, lesson's learned
Tags: Jealousy, the exes
Walking to the train station, a song from the late 90s came on. Liz Phair’s Jealousy. By all accords, a rocking song, but tonight it hit a new chord.
Sometimes I’m envious of these high school/ college sweethearts. (And middle school. My dear sweet friend!). There was no life before them. Bryan and I are grown adults with a few relationships under our belts. And this was a first for me- the first man I had been substantially involved with to care about his ex. Our past relationship experiences framed a lot of our early conversations- what made us unhappy, why we stayed and ultimately why we left. These were the experiences we bonded over and through them discovered our shared values.
I wonder what we do with the digital artifacts of our previous relationships. I liken them to digital clutter- why hold on to it? Bryan says, why does it matter— and years down the road it will matter less. It’s still memories of the life he had before me, which involved experiences that shaped him into the man I adore. Yet, I say, why hold on to that. It was the pass, let it go.
Let me say this to shape my point- I don’t believe in the friendly exes. I don’t do it, and I’m not entirely convinced one can. Is it related to the idea of your partner (being spouse, B/G-friend) as your best friend. We are friends- but our relationship is more than best friends. I think you need some immediate distance, you still aren’t going to tell your now ex everything you once did. I’ll concede that people may be able to get to that point later on, but it involves a lot more people being on board with it.
So, I try to work through my jealousy. Is it the same pose in photographs? Was it the living together? Or was it the time in between his last relationship and me that drives me crazy? And the truth is, it’s a bit of all of it.
Jealousy is insecurity, anxiety and fear of a loss. My fears are that we won’t last; he’s going to leave me. It’s irrational, but it’s based in the relationship models I had growing up. We’ll be vowing our commitment to each other soon and already as Bryan says, feels in his heart that we are married. But underlying, there is this fear: of being rejected and pushed aside, at some point. It’s similar to the feelings I had early in our relationship- I felt like I was self sabotaging so he’d just get the breaking up with me over with. Marriages don’t fail so instantly, there is hurt, lies, contempt that builds up the breaking point. One must work every day at having a positive relationship and be honest about expectations.
Posted by maura on January 20th, 2010 — Posted in hot dirty work
i’ve been thinking about and feeling the pain surrounding wedding planning. the ever wise meg, leader of the practical brides, posted a question from a reader. her father was very ill, and may not make her wedding. she was reaching out to the community of readers to say wtf, this sucks, and what do i do?
weddding planning is hard work, it’s money, it’s details. but it’s also some of the most emotional taxing work i’ve ever done on a consistent basis. and it is not fun.
my father died on sept 21 2003, just a few months after i graduated from college. it was sudden and painful. he entered the hospital on the night i drove to boston to see bjork and died 3 weeks later. my dad was never well through my life, struggling with his weight and side effects of being overweight. that first year was the most painful- a physical pang in my heart, a measured loss, a concrete change. and then slowly you shift. i believe if one could hover in space and look down at the imeline of my life, there is a large black line (or maybe even a wall, ’cause you can’t go back) when my father died. crossing that line meant crossing into a new life, a new world and learning how to be okay in that space.
and father’s have a big role in weddings, right? i mean, traditionally a father gives her daughter away, dances with her, gives a speech. and even before, he’s to approve of her beloved and offer his blessings for the engagement. taking all the feminist concerns and trappings of patriarchy away, father of the bride is a big deal. especially when, you can’t have it. the fresh faced women studies major may have balked at being given away, but today i see it more as a symbolic act of recognition. i am who i am because of my parents, and it’s a way to honor them. (remember, ’cause weddings just aren’t about you.)
but this is the sadness of wedding planning that no bridal magazine speaks of. what it’s like to plan a wedding in the face of sadness, and many more women and men are planning while sadness is unfolding on a daily basis. i was so thankful for this post- it was the voices i had been waiting to here. that i wasn’t alone in carrying darkness around.
and this is a club. not any club we’d want to be members of, but here we are. a club of pain, longing, sadness, but a club of hope, joy and deep love. and out of this club, we learn about the ways to celebrate the people we love at our celebrations. i’ve asked my dad’s sister to read a mary oliver poem, poppies. a good friend, a lover of poetry, sent to me shortly after my father died. it was touching, raw, and provided a little light- of life beyond the current plain. poppies has provided me comfort over the years- words i constantly turn to, keep nearby.
and this lightness, this happiness is our marriage. our commitment to each other. and while not there, i know my dad’s love will be shining down.
Posted by maura on January 6th, 2010 — Posted in lesson's learned
About a month ago, I realized I hadn’t obsessed about some wedding related detail and furiously texted about this or that. I felt like I had my ideas of what was going to happen, and if not… well, somethings are bound to go wrong.
I’ve been focusing more of my energy on the after wedding stuff. What it means to be a wife, what it means to be married, what kind of wife do I want to be. And most of those answers, are an extension of who I am now. There won’t be some grand change, where I wake up and feel like a new person. But I’ve been mindful for the small changes taking place, of how relationships are slightly shifting, of how we move through time and space, and what impact that has on how others interact with us.
Perhaps I am more mindful of this as we are navigating the holidays. We’ve made our arrangements to see family, and the schedule felt good. Time was well distributed, enough to see everyone, but not so much to spread it thin. But of course, it’s never enough and feelings are bound to be hurt. We are very lucky that everyone is going to be in one state. We go back and forth between are we being reasonable, are we working with people enough? to we are reasonable, sometimes scheduling is an issue. This will get bigger when we have our own children. It’s about making decisions for us, as a unit and our respective families, and being trying to be fair.
Posted by maura on January 6th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
A few days before Christmas, we received our homework from Stay Hitched, the one day premarital education session we are attending. Facing a mountain of work this week, Bryan took to the bedroom Monday night to start the survey. Almost immediately, he yells “Did you know this is from BYU?!”
Um, no. I didn’t. Bryan went through the questions, and I could hear the occasional, Are you kidding me? from the bedroom. At one point, I poked my head in to see how things were going and he said, “I’m being asked how many sexual partner’s I’ve had. I don’t find value in sharing that information. I think we are beyond that.”
I took it the next morning, finding myself answering in the extremes. My partner is ALWAYS this and NEVER that. (Which, isn’t true. It’s closer to OFTEN and RARELY. But I was pretty smitten with Bryan that morning, so he got high marks.) We both found it interesting that the there were hardly any questions about money. One of the few money related questions was: “Do you want to provide your family the finer things in life?” Well, vacations, nice computers, experiences and education, yes. Big televisions, fancy cars, big house- not really. The questions were vagueish, and I often wanted to know what the survey designers definitions
Upon finishing, we linked our surveys and received the report. We were instructed to look at the report together, so we sat down after dinner and took at look at it. I felt anxious, that the report would say “DANGER AHEAD!” or reveal something that Bryan had been keeping from me.
But it was just everything we knew and have already talked about, which was good and relieving. That we already are very open with each other and aware of our program areas. We’ll be taking the workshop this Saturday and I’m curious how the whole thing will play out.
Posted by maura on December 16th, 2009 — Posted in hot dirty work, lesson's learned, looking good
I don’t believe that the wedding dress should be the most expensive thing a woman ever wears. And god, I hope not. That said, I believe a wedding dress should be lovely, elegant and fitting for the bride. I had a budget of around $800 for the dress. Not very much in this world of $3000+ Vera’s. I dutifully went through the wedding magazines, oohing at a dress to gasping at the price. I loved the lace dresses, and always have. I figured maybe I could afford a preowned lace dress or something ivory at a local boutique, and lace it up.
One day in April, I headed out to look at dresses. These ridiculous time lines suggest you should start 12 months before, so no time like the present! The first place I went was The Bridal Garden to try on dresses. A nonprofit bridal boutique that raises money for education in NYC. Win-win. The store was lovely with a good selection of dresses, good organization, excellent prices, and helpful but hands off staff. I grabbed an armful of dresses (heavy!) and went into the fitting room. Dress after dress wasn’t me. The dress I like the most was a beaded and lace number that would have required extensive alterations. I’m getting married outside (fingers crossed) and our evening won’t be that formal. I also disliked how this particular dress looked. It was have required two pairs of Spanx, fishing line and a personal trainer. I am not interested in Spanx on my wedding day. I thanked the employee for her time and headed out to my next appointment.
Near by was Jenny Yoo who offers a alternative bridal collection. Simple, elegant dresses. And super affordable. Did I mention that? The cuts were excellent, a-line, simple and vintage looking… but too simple. I wanted something in between the lace and beaded gown and a simple plain dress.
I decided to round out my day at RK Bridal. It’s no frills and good prices. First come, first served. Put your name on a list for a dressing room, and then find the dresses you want, organized by designer. I found four lacy tea length dresses and waited for my fitting room. There’s really no place to sit down, so I ended up standing around and watching women come out of the dressing rooms, to show their mother’s and bridal party their selections. Some even had on tees proclaiming BRIDE and MOH. I watched one particular bride leave her dressing room, gowned and veiled. The woman helping her (who must have been working there since they opened), proclaimed, “Now this is what a bride looks like! Pure elegance!” Now, this woman and I have very different ideas of what elegance is, and I carefully reminded myself that. Having seen enough, I found a little bench in the back and pulled out my New Yorker, waiting for my name to be called. After a few moments, I realize my heart is pounding and I’m starting to feel lightheaded. And, I might be sick. Like now. I race out of the store and grab a cab. I barely make it down my block, let alone into my apartment, to get sick. I would have been at that store, all alone, trying on dresses, in front of others who would be judging me inside their heads. It was all just too much. I couldn’t handle it.
Bryan came home just as I was, er, in the bathroom and reminded me to relax. After a week or so, I reflected on the process. I was leaning towards the Jenny Yoo dresses, perhaps having it altered, adding some lace. But why jump through those hoops? I could have something made! I ended up knowing that I had a stronger sense about what I liked and didn’t like, and knew that it was going to be have to special. I had been reading the Wedding Bee, and knew I wanted a strong and fitting dress. I’m a clothes kind of girl. It mattered to me to have something fitting for the feel of the day, my style and my range.
Fast forward a few weeks later, I was shopping in Nolita when I popped into Saja. I was looking for a dress to wear to a wedding, and eyed some lovely white dresses at the end of the rack. I tried on one, and thought it lovely. It was tea length, romantic, and didn’t require any alterations. It was one day and one year before my wedding and I thought it was a sign. I slapped down my credit card and skipped out the door. I thought myself so cool for checking that one off the list.
Months later, she didn’t sit right with me. Every time I thought of the dress, I was filled with dread. I didn’t love it. I felt some internal pressure to buy the dress. That it was good enough and would do the trick. In retrospect, I should have walked away but I felt anxiety about trying on dresses and finding something I loved in my price range. I had tried to convince myself that it would be fine, it’s just one night! And then, a lifetime in pictures! I mulled it over with two of my nonbridesmaids, who said, if you don’t love it, then find something else. I dreaded telling Bryan. I thought he’d be so upset at my quickness. Of course, he was wonderful and understanding.
I tried to return the dress in August, but as with most bridal, there is a strict all sales final policy. I listed her on WeddingBee and Craigslist and not a drop of interest. I figured I would try my best to sell it, consign it locally, or just wear it to our post wedding party.
Over Thanksgiving, Saja worked to put me in touch with a young woman who was interested in buying the dress, but it didn’t work out. However, just after the holidays Once Wed featured a wedding with that dress! And I had the last dress available! The store no longer carried this dress. I emailed them back to see if they’d reconsider their policy, and they agreed to offer store credit. I listed it on Once Wed, and within 12 hours had a buyer and shipped it that same day. We were able to get back most of the money on the dress and no longer had it hanging over our heads. I skipped out of the post office, having put her in route to a bride. It felt wonderful.
Though… of course our story doesn’t end here. There is a dress. A fabulous, much more me and appropriate dress. And shoes! Oh, the shoes! Stay tuned.
Posted by maura on December 16th, 2009 — Posted in making a home
We’ve been living together for a year at this point, and still have nothing on our walls. It’s a tricky situation, or is it? I keep saying, we aren’t going to be here forever, yet we will be for at least the next year. It’s hard to invest in furniture when we aren’t sure what our future homes may look like, and our current apartment is tiny. It’s basically two rooms, the GRAND room and the bedroom. The GRAND room being: the living room, foyer, dining room, and kitchen. (I like calling in the GRAND room, with a large sweep of my arms.)
It’s a tiny West Village apartment and we love it. But we need stuff on the walls and it’s a challenge to find out where our tastes overlap.
Mirrors are a great solution- they help make the space look bigger. Apartment Therapy had an interview with Jonathan Adler today and I learned about this new website, 1st Dibs. And then found this stunning mirrors:
How cool are they? I love the idea of the set hanging next to each other like eyes.
Posted by maura on December 15th, 2009 — Posted in hot dirty work
Bryan has just a handful of guy friends who are married. After our engagement he asked one of them, How is it different? Being married as to just being committed to each other? What’s the benefit?
His friend told him the good was still good, but the bad, the fights, the life choices, no matter how fraught with difficulty and urge for flight, you stay and remain and work through it. And it doesn’t seems as bad knowing that you will get through it and it will be okay.
I’m thankful for this perspective. And I think it’s one that Bryan and I share.