Pre-marriage, the questions was: Are you excited? How are the plans coming?

Immediately following the honeymoon, it was: Was the wedding day everything you wanted and more? Was it magical and everything you imagined?

Two and a half months later: So, how’s married life?

I remember asking a that very question to the new wife of my husband’s good high school friend. A few months after their wedding we met for drinks, and I picked her brain. She shrugged her shoulders and said, Eh. It’s the same really. We just have nicer furniture and kitchenware.  I thought, how can that be?! You had a gorgeous wedding! You are a wife! Married! Surely something must be different.

So, about a year later I find myself having to answer the same question- really pondering what is different?

My birthday was last week, a quiet affair for the ultimate year of my twenties. A sweet marathon survival gift from the Mister, sangria at lunch, spicy cocktails at dinner, champagne and a red velvet to top off the night. Cards arrived and a USPS delivery slip made out to M.Weber.  I waved it at the Mister saying, Who is this mysterious Mrs. Weber? rather than getting all huffy about it. Both of which have the same goal.

This morning, I found myself rambling to the postal worker that with the same first initial and matching address on my license, the package is for me. Weber is my husband’s last name, and not all woman take their husband’s last names, but sometimes people assume they do. Soooo... She cocked her head at me and disappeared in the back. She reappeared with a shirt box shaped package, the markings of his grandparents all over it.  I thanked her, and placed it in my tote and headed back home on sunny 7th Ave.

I found myself musing over the interaction, how I thought it would be easier keeping my own name (no paperwork!) and settled into the realization that I’d still be addressed as Mrs. Weber.  But perhaps having a new name is part of how’s married life? I could respond with how exciting yet strange it is to have a new name or even muse about material objects- like new stationary or monogrammed this or that.  There would be a change, something new. This is the year of the wedding for us, and many girlfriend’s are changing their names and even living together for the first time. There are real adjustments for them.

We’ve lived together for just over a year and half- only moving in once we established marriage was the next step. We have new cookware, a new shared savings account, and shiny new rings. I’ve had a few moments of being frustrated/annoyed and thinking I have to deal with him  FOR-EV-VER and what did I get myself into to? Which I didn’t have in the engagement period. So, two and half months, life is quiet now that the planning is over. We aren’t buying a house anytime soon or having other life changes, so it’s nice to have a routine. We are training for the NYC Marathon and thinking about our careers.

One moment does stand to me as different. We were in Portland OR celebrating the marriage of my best friend last weekend. Friday afternoon, we went for a walk/hike, and the Mister was talking about the Appalachian Trial. He’s a hiker, fell in love with it at summer camps in New Hampshire and went to college in Boulder so he could do it everyday. As we were musing about relationships of friends, I turned to him to say I would support him hiking the Appalachian Trail if that was something he wanted to do.

He stopped a bit, and smiled really?

Well sure, I responded. I figured I should let you know that if its something you wanted to accomplish in your life, I support it. Though, I may feel differently with kidlets running around, so maybe you should start soon.

The mister smiled and squeezed my hand. Genuinely surprised and touched, he thanked me, it means a lot to hear you say that; it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

So, what’s it like? Right now, it’s supporting my husband as he pursues new job opportunities, encouraging him, being a sounding board, and holding his hand. It’s the small things that make a marriage.

About 6 months ago, an article came out challenging some notions about happily married. Elizabeth Weil sounded like a pretty normal woman and wife. They had a good marriage, lived a certain lifestyle, but things about her hubby drove her up a wall. So, why not apply herself to her marriage, like her career, her childrearing and more? I thought, yes- this seems realistic.

Today, I read an article about ongoing couples therapy. Many couple reach the point of therapy when it may be too late to heal, but what if we treated marriage counseling like check ups. We visit the dentist twice a year, exercise three to five times a week, drink in moderation- so why not turn the same preventative eye towards our treasured relationship. We did a pre-marital counseling program, and it was very helpful. It didn’t illuminate anything new for us in terms of problem areas- it reaffirmed our areas of tension. We left with more exercises to do at home (and still should revisit them.)

Instinctively, I said yes- annual check ups would help couples and as this article points out studies that demonstrate there is a benefit to it. The benefit of a therapist is to have a neutral third party who can help keep emotions in check and the dialogue moving. Online therapy could help a newlywed couple or recently married, or even a couple going through some pre-marital exercises. But then, leave well enough alone? How would a good enough marriage with some thorny issues, but generally happy come out on the other side of this?

The idea of a marriage as a living thing what requires care, consideration and energy is the concept I’m responding to. To keep the most treasured and scared thing just that- to treasure and protect it as the day you vowed your commitment to each other.

Would you consider doing an online marriage therapy program?

About a month before the wedding, my boss called me out on my wedding planning errands at work. I told him that once I got married, I’d have my brain back and my productivity would increase.

And it had, I skipped back to work, was handed an iPad and told to put together a program to train our librarians on how to use e-readers. Holla. It was nice to be back and get into a routine, running, working, seeing friends, living life.

On Monday, the productivity went out the window. Our wedding photographs had arrived. Holy shit. I had been waiting for this moment, waiting to see how they turned out. Paralyzed by the fear the WIC strikes in the heart of all brides, I was wondering if I had made the right choice, would they be lovely, would they capture the feeling and energy of the day, would I look pretty, and so on.

I saw a text from the Mister, did you see the pictures? I immediately opened my email and followed the link. I scrolled through, remembering the salon with my sister and girlfriends, smiling at the photos of the Mister and his family, and heart breaking at the photograph of me holding a picture of my dad (it came out just the way I imagined it). My heart started to race and I wanted more! I wanted to see them all! A few emails later and our online gallery was open. I couldn’t stop looking at them and smiling. I loved that he captured this! And oh! look at so and so together! And, the dance floor! The love! It was all too much.

The Mister and I chatted back and forth, talking about the pictures and which ones we loved, and oh my god what are we going to do with all of them?! But also, oh, there aren’t any shots of us with so and so and why didn’t I make sure we got a shot of these family members guilt and sadness. I knew this the day off. I missed taking a picture of all my high school friends for the quarterly magazine. I should have made a point to take more photographs with certain family members.

For the day, I wanted a touching and lovely ceremony, which we had. I wanted a boozy dinner party and then a dance party, which we had. I was in the moment, having an amazing time. It was a non stop dance party (after dinner), which is exactly what I told my DJ. It was commented there wasn’t any slower dance songs (until the end with YYY’s Maps), and I wonder if people missed that. Perhaps I should have had the DJ play some of the standards at the beginning of the night.

But, the point being, I can go over and over the should haves in my head a million times. I could have been ruled by a list of photograph and playlists and caught up in making sure I was crossing it all off. We wanted to be in the moment, relaxed and taking the evening as it unfolded. The evening would have felt like wedding planning- filled with deadlines, must dos, negotiations, wrangling people into doing what I wanted them to do, and those activities didn’t interest us. We wanted to be in the space, being with our people, looking around and seeing months of hardwork come together on the smiling and laughing faces of our people. And that’s what was captured- those are the memories we’ll carry with us.

After two weeks off, most spent in Portugal, we returned back to New York. And to an IRS bill and a jury summons. Life’s little way of saying the honeymoon is over and hi, your an adult.

I arrived at work to hugs and well wishes! People asking about the wedding and honeymoon. Asking, “was it everything you imagined and more?” I stopped, and knew I could finally be honest, “I don’t believe in that. It was good, about 80% perfect and that’s what most of life is like. I’ll take it. It was a wonderful day I will always cherish, but it wasn’t perfect.”

Like the rain. The gd rain that rained out our wedding 5k, though some of our friends still ran and earned their water bottles. We had breakfast in the hotel with my best friend and her fiance. People kept saying, “But it’s good luck” and I replied, “They say that to make you feel better!”  Not very bridey. I needed a town crier or a go ahead to say, “Bride on her way! Don’t mention the rain!”

On Thursday when we arrived in Northampton, we brainstormed about the weather. We’d get married in the tent if it was raining, but if it was sunny, we’d put some chairs on the stage for older folks and the rest could stand around. Our ceremony clocked in at 15 minutes. Fine. It’s a plan.

We had around two hours of sun. We were to get married at 5pm, and around 3:30 she peeked out and filled the park with glorious warm sun, giving depth and texture to the trees. It was a glorious moment walking onto the stage, seeing our friends and family milled together, so casual, and walking out and seeing the Mister. I was afraid of being all weepy down the aisle, but I just locked eyes with him and beamed my face off.

My good friend Llama married us, solemnized through the state of Massachusetts. We had worked a lot on our ceremony, and felt it really was us- enough love universe spirituality, with literary readings and a big kiss. During our Poem of Remembrance, I could hear my little sister getting choked behind me. I reached back and held her hand as we listened to our aunt read. It’s silly, but I do thank my dad for the weather. It’s not him, it is him, but it all worked out, and in my little heart that believes in nature, it was a gift.  Our other two readings were a Margaret Atwood poem and a piece from Madeleine L’Engle.

The whole thing happened so quickly. I remember feeling like Bryan and I, with Llama were the only people there. It was just the three of us, on this stage with the elements as our witness. I kept watching Bryan, reading his face, watching him take it all in. It wasn’t until Llama asked our guests if they would support us in our marriage did I realize the stage was filled with our family and friends.

ps. I did put his ring on the wrong hand though. Whoops.

photograph from maggie oat

it rained and rained. we cancelled our morning 5k run.

the sun came out. everyone cheered. but then it started to pour again.

at 4pm, the sun came out again, gorgeous light filling the park. just enough time for us to get married outside, like we planned for.

and at about 6pm,  it started to thunderstorm.

“best of both worlds,” someone said.

we are recapping and enjoying nyc for two days before we head off to portugal. i can’t wait.
and the mister looks so handsome with his wedding band. it makes me grin wildly. he’s my husband. it’s amazing.

I was running late for the wedding, not so much late, but as just not showing up to pick up the Misters ring, skipping my hair appointment, realizing it was 5pm and it was time to start the ceremony, and maybe I should get dressed.

Dad was there- the old house we all lived in while I was in high school. I realized I didn’t have any jewelery, so I borrowed something from my stepmom. A blue bib beaded necklace, quite the statement piece. She tried to give me a sapphire anklet to wear, but it didn’t go with my shoes.

I finally arrived at where I was to be married and it was Ryan Gosling. We said our vows to each other. But then I was Zooey Deschanel. We kissed and decided not to marry each other.

About a month or two ago, I had dreams of the exes- they were all trying to tell me that they loved me and wanted to be with me, but I wasn’t hearing of it. Is anyone else having crazy wedding dreams? What are you making of them?

This is the post I never thought I’d write. This is the time that I didn’t think I’d be crying up a storm, filled with conflicting emotions, and ready to take a big nap and wake up married.

This is where I tell you about how much we checked off our to do list this weekend. How we sat 147 (surprise! my uncle IS coming!) guests at 18 tables and arranged them through the room. How we had two dates, including a late night Tribeca Film Festival movie. How the Mister took worksheets and seating charts out of my hands, told me to stay on the the couch and watch something via Netflix. (I found Notting Hill and he made me an ice cream sundae.) How I went for a run in 80+ degrees and gross humidity and figured out my emotions and feelings about the walk down the aisle. How I cried in public a few times and snapped at the mister. How if one more person says ONE WEEK! or OMG! ARE YOU SO EXCITED!? I might smack them.

When someone says, “I need to talk to you” or “I have something to tell you”, I think the worst.  So, I think that everything will go wrong. In the end, I know I’ve hired professionals who have done this plenty of times, have worked together and it will be fine.That nothing is 100% perfect, and I’m willing to bet 80% is just fine.

I close my eyes and imagine the day, and I don’t think about what it looks like, but the swelling of emotion in my heart.

But right now- I need to ask favors of friends, write up photography lists, work on my vows, figure out the damn processional, and hope/pray/etc it’s sunny and not rainy on Saturday.  And reread parts of Conscious Bride, ’cause this marriage business is serious emotional work.

from flickr user lwr

My left arm is  sore from carrying a bag of frames from Target to my office. My right is sore from carrying all the jars and milk glass I scooped up for $5 at the local thrift store.

8 days away = little loose ends in a row. This weekend I want to wrap all of our presents for our readers, sisters and ushers.

Now, Bryan and I decided we didn’t want to have a bridal party. It seemed fussy. I have my unbridesmaids who are the outstanding, doing all the work of a bridesmaid and much more, but less the matching dresses. However, as we are planning the transportation issue and I find myself being left alone while waiting to walk the aisle, I wish I had some. But I digress.

Presents! For our officiant and one of our readers,  I am gifting them art! Have you been to 20×200? If not, go now. Seriously, not offended. It’s an amazing site with amazing art for cheap and not so cheap. Some are special editions from big name artists, and there is something for everyone in there.

My sister doesn’t have a lot of jewelry or fancy items, so I picked her up earrings and a bracelet to wear to the wedding, along with a lovely vintage inspired gray beaded purse that will compliment her dress (in lapis).

For our musician and other reader, who are high school and college friends of the Mister respectfully, we are gifting them State by State, a wonderful collection of essays, one for each state. I gifted this to the Mister and it’s a great gift for his friends who he has road tripped quite a bit with*. We are also gifting our readers the books where their reading appear.

Now, just as I was writing this post, I was wondering what to get my aunt. She’s 70, which doesn’t even seem possible. She’s so full of energy and spirited. I have a collection of old to very very photographs of our family.  Including photographs of when she was born, her parents wedding, her and my dad as children. I am either going to scan them or buy teeny frames and frame a few for her. (AND my cousin called me while writing this and I ran the idea by her, said it was perfect. Might even frame a small one for her!)

Now that leaves our parents. There is my mother, my stepmother, his mother and her beau, and I am including my aunt and uncle who do so so much for me. We had wanted to do something commemorative of the occasion, but everything is just so cheesy. I suggested a photograph or a book of our pre wedding shoot in NYC, but the Mister nixed it.  No frames, too late to get anything engraved. We bounced around gift certificates to the spa and restaurants. I also like this spirited box idea, with little bottles of alcohol and representative mixer. I think this makes a great gift, as I’m very into cocktail culture and a budding home mixologist. I thought this would work for our ushers as well, but we have a few who will be flying home.

What gifts are you giving wedding participants? How about parents and other family members?

I’m cleaning off my workspace in anticipation for 3 weeks away! I’m a librarian, and had a pile for overdue books on my desk. One was Vintage Weddings, which upon flipping through it, I wish I paid a little more attention to.

I found this great resource from the Victoria and Albert Museum across the pond. They are developing a database of clothing worn in weddings, across time and cultures. It has a United Kingdom bent, but it’s fabulous. Take some time when you are stressed out to look at the smiling faces of young brides and grooms. You can’t help but smile.

I love the groom’s grin in this photo, and her simple dress. The other pictures in this series, along with her or his parents are fabulous. I love the 1940s smart suits and the shoes.

And then there was the 80s:

This project is in anticipation for a 2013 exhibit. Perhaps, I’ll find myself in London to see it.

from flickr user lwr

Women who take their husband’s last names earn less, read headlines across multiple news sources this week. They earn less, are seen as less intelligent, less competent and less ambitious, but more caring and dependable. And if you decide to keep your own name, you are more likely to earn more, but will be thought of as more independent, intelligent and competent, but less caring.

I think these traits just might say more about the types of women in the world, and less of a correlation. I’m keeping my own name, and think myself independent, intelligent and competent as well as caring and dependable. My married friends who have taken their spouses names are just the same. A woman who takes her husband’s last name might be seen as more traditional, she might be more traditional.

The issue of names is intense. Right now, I’m keeping my name and Bryan is keeping his. I’ve always wanted to hold onto my name- especially after my father died. I just plain like it and it connects me to him. I wouldn’t want Bryan to take it, and he didn’t want to give up his name either. Professionally, we are pretty set into our careers and making names for ourselves. It would be trickier for him- needing to change his name with the various bar boards. We briefly touched on a new name together, but decided it wasn’t for us. He spoke that he would like me to take his name, but understands my reasons for not.

I say, I’m keeping my name now, but I think things might change when we start to reproduce, and I’m allowing myself to be open to changes along the way. We are starting to get wedding presents address to Mr & Mrs Weber, and I chuckle at the assumption. I could be upset, freak out and lash out about how unfair it is and how dare they assume, but why waste the energy. We are in sync regarding names, and we are the only people (who should) give a damn.

ps. Read the whole report here.