from flickr user lwr

Wedding Season is on! We’ll be attending 7 weddings through October, including our own. We’ll be missing two, scheduled on the same day as other weddings.

Saturday night kicked off the season. This was being held at the Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers, so close to our apartment that we walked the High Line to get there.  We arrived before the schedule start and milled around in the lobby. We were let into the ceremony area, and  sat awaiting the start with a gorgeous view of the Hudson River and New Jersey skyline. We could see friends peaking around the curtain, watching the space fill up with the faces of loved ones. The ceremony was very short and sweet. They had an officiant with the best New York accent I’ve heard in a long time, an old schooler. They selected two readings of lyrics- great indie rock songs that I’m sure are meaningful for them. And then- vows and rings, married! I sat there, soaking in every moment, knowing that in two weeks, our loved ones, some of them in this room would be sitting waiting anxiously for us to walk towards our marriage. That our voices may become shaky as we read our vows and exchange rings.

Just as the ceremony ended and the wedding party walked down the aisle, the curtains were parted and it was cocktail hour! Servers waiting with wine and champagne (note to my venue!) and a delicious spread of food. We mingled with our friends, enjoyed the champagne and open bar. At some point, we made our way to our table for dinner. We sat with two other couples, friends of the Mister from high school and two men, friends of the groom who didn’t know anyone. We had the first course around 9 and didn’t eat our entree until 11:00, which was a bit late for me. There was a dessert course and cake. It seemed like many meals went uneaten.

Perhaps this is a wedding trend, but there was a lot of dancing before dinner and between courses. While I was on the dance floor rocking some air guitar, I do find it confusing and not sure I like it. I like having my meal and then the dance party. It never felt like a dance party got going, as it was being interrupted for courses. Some friends commented that having dancing before dinner allows some older family members to dance, who may leave earlier.

I was thinking that their wedding was good practice, thinking about how lovely it was, but there might be things that didn’t go as planned for them. And guess what? I didn’t notice! If something was off, or didn’t go as planned, I would have never noticed. I drank, danced, mingled and behaved as a proper wedding guest. I was curious if I’d feel any jealousy- or inadequacy about my own wedding. Sometimes, I’d feel that my wedding wasn’t going to be like all the ones I see featured on blogs. That it’s not unique, indie, DIY, fill in the blank enough. The minute I stopped reading those blogs is the day those feelings went away. I’m comfortable knowing we made all the best decisions for our wedding, a true reflection of what we want, who we are, and what we could afford. And the authenticity is in the feeling of the day, something you can’t buy.

There was a moment I was unprepared for, and most likely was helpful. The bride’s father had passed away years ago, and I had a moment of tears spilling over during the sister’s toast. Before she ended, she said, “I wish Daddy was here to see you” and I just heaved internally. The mister quickly put his arm around me and rubbed my back.  I will sob at any mention of a missing parent, on any occasion. The sadness I’ve felt in the past year is immeasurable, and I know there is no preparation for the emotions on the day, and I will let myself feel all of them as they come.

photo by flickr user timslessor

Uninvited guest issues has been a great source of stress recently. I have a very complex family, with many branches. One branch is of my half-siblings. My father was married to a woman before my mom and had 5 children with her. They range from 8-16 years older than me, and I’ve never really been close to them. There were some years in my teens that I spent time with my next oldest sister. During the time we were figuring out budget/guestlist, I struggled with the question of inviting them. With Dad not around, I felt the decision was harder to make. I went back and forth repeatedly. Bryan and I discussed it endlessly, as it was 8 additional people with spouses, a whole extra table. My three married siblings also have children, an extra 5. Inviting them made the guest list swell. When we were considering a guest list of around 130, they were 10%. In the end, I decided that I would invite the siblings, but not their children. I made peace with that decision and moved on. I felt that inviting them to be a part of our wedding day was a nice gesture, that despite our lack of a relationship we share a father. Bryan felt it was like opening a window to future relations, while maybe not inviting them would close that.

The guest list was a complicated onerous task, involving tears, mini fights, and at times the worst in me. We’ve made little rules to help us manage the guest list, rules to guide the process, to keep us sane. We invited spouses, live in partners, fiances- standard. We limited the guest list to first cousins. We decided to invite the partners of a handful of friends- most of which we know and have socialized with; they aren’t living together, but we spend time with them as a couple.

So, order invites. Mail them out! Do a dance. Now the RSVPs are rolling in. (Which is one of the best parts of the whole process. Love in the mail on pretty paper.) One sibling added his two teenage children, and a few days later another added her teenage daughter.  We went back and forth again on the issue. I feel it is somewhat complicated as we are inviting family children. And technically they are family children. But, I barely have a relationship with the parents. Our respective sister’s have wonderful little ones and our cousin’s children are pretty much nieces and nephews. For us, it was essential to invite those kidlets. It wouldn’t be the same without them.

I followed the proper etiquette by addressing the invited on envelope. Now, I feel that I have to make 2, potentially 3 awkward phone calls. Bryan and I made decisions based on our budget, size of venue, familiarity with people- hard choices. It feels like I’m going to be the bad person, explaining that we are unable to extend the invite to their children. And it’s my call.  Bryan and I have had a few long conversations about what to do. He feels strongly that other people aren’t going to dictate our guest list to us. But then, two friends have inquired if they could bring their girlfriends, who they are quite serious about. I’m inclined to say yes to the ladies, as I feel that they will be a part of our friend’s lives, and therefore ours. And the truth is, we can swing the extra children as well. But, part of me is okay with the numbers getting smaller, closer to the size we originally planned for. We have just 7 more days before all the RSVPs are in. So the truth of the matter is, I’m putting it off. While they may be totally fine with it, it might also blow up in my face. But people are generally understanding, right?

number 44 from flickr user mag3737

Emily Post says,

“Do not ask your host or hostess if you can bring a date or your children. The invitation will be addressed to the people invited. If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read “Mr. John Phelps and guest.” If your children are invited, they will either receive their own personal invitations or their names will be listed under yours on the envelope. This is not the time to question your host’s decision, to argue or to beg for an exception. And, please, do not add their names to a reply card or show up with them anyway!

Dear Emily- I have consulted you for so many issues, and now I need you most! What do I say to someone who has done this? Help!

—-

It’s just gotten to be too much. It’s been a year, you were my first, and helped me get my feet wet. I will always remember you fondly. But Wedding Bee, it’s time we break up. I barely read you anymore, and I just can’t read another dress post with the urgent Mr. Cute Nickname, look away NOW! I can’t read 3 posts on save the dates, or shoes, or whatever. I know how important and frustrating that all can be. I know what it feels like to have your wedding at the center of the world, but it’s just your world. My wedding is almost two months away, and it’s not the center of mine.

I broke up with Martha Stewart weddings this morning. Gave them all a once over, and brought them to the recycle bin. I saved a handful of blog posts for later, but I’m moving on. I wish you all the best- as you grow and become a more diverse website.

I’m going to the movies.

I saw this article linked through Jezebel the other morning, ROI: What a Wedding Really Costs. Nothing makes me more stabby than some article about weddings and their related costs. Okay, something does make me more stabby– the comments on such articles about how folks only spent $10,000 or  $3,500 or some ridiculous race to the bottom about who spent the least on her wedding. It’s not the point, ladies and gentlemen.

I read articles like this, and immediately feel bad for having an average budget and wanting to spend it on a wedding. Yes, perhaps a wedding has nothing to do with the success of the marriage, which is really why we are doing all of this. We want to have our community around us when we vow our love and commitment to each other. Every single person we’ve invited has shaped us into the people we are, loved us, supported us, made us laugh, made us cry, fed us, gave us drink, gave us shelter, love, a place to crash, shoulders to cry on and arms to hold us. These are the people who have made us who we are. But, we have to feed people and give them drink*. And it costs money- and things just add up. We’ve been thrifty, but it just adds up. (Especially when we’ve under budgeted. Whoops!) Even your rustic backyard wedding, with mason jars and and DIY up the wazoo costs money. ‘Cause you need to rent plates, forks, toilets, glasses. It All Adds Up.

Here’s the part I do like about the wedding industrial complex. It brings hard earned dollars into local communities. Out of town guests are staying in hotels, eating at local restaurants, shopping in local shops. The couple hires a local caterer, who hires local servers. The hair salon, the florist, the DJ, the photographer– these are all people who potentially live in the community and who’s livelihood is connected in some part to weddings. It’s a local way to support small businesses. We are marrying in a vibrant Western Mass town, with a robust economy. But still, it feels good to know that we are bringing in hard earned dollars to a community we love.

The danger with these articles is that they are unrealistic. So your $17,500 wedding may cost you $150,000 in the long run? So will the adorable t-strap shoes you just picked up at Filene’s Basement, that fancy cocktail at Little Branch, the DoodleJump app, dinner for two at the local Thai joint and on it goes. Why stop there, WSJ?

Why do we make people feel bad about enjoying their dollars? It’s as if all of a sudden all brides are reduced to this cultural idea of bridezilla, wanting a three grand gown and a four tiered wedding cake; that somehow, collectively, we’ve all lost sight of the prize. It’s tiresome.

*One of the few non negotiables from Bryan: ceremony not in a Catholic Church,
a Saturday night reception with an open bar. done and done.

I’ve had to step back from the bridal media, as with less than three months left, I don’t need ideas. I need results. I need to sign checks, make decisions and move on.

Last week I was feeling a bit delicate after a late night dancing with girlfriends. Out of towners always mean dinner, drinks, more drinks and inevitable dancing no matter where we are. After lunch, I checked my email. And it was from Ruffled letting me know that I had won an engagement photo session.

I squealed and immediately called Bryan! YIPPEE! I had wanted to do photos in New York, but with photographers friends who have offered, we couldn’t justify the cost. SO, perfect! I was already scouting outfits in my head, planning the locations, seeing how much we could cram into the 2 hours.

Then, in the last few days… I’ve gotten nervous. It’s going to be featured on Ruffled, which is awesome.  So many people are going to see it, and of course, I’ll tweet and Facebook about it. I entered this contest, but it feels different to knowing that so many people are getting a little inside look at us. It’s strange.

When I started wedding planning, I daydreamed about seeing my wedding featured on blogs. I have no idea why… is it 15 minutes of fame, says something about our taste and budget, our good looks. I got over it, realizing that my wedding is not a photo shoot. It’s a private affair between Bryan and I, our families, friends, loved ones. It’s a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration. It’s going to be us.

In the end, it’s going to be a fun blog post. Bryan and I will look fabulous and Jenny Sun will take amazing photos. The girl knows her way around light.  Folks will see the blog post, comment, share it, tweet it, blog about  it.Then, it’s over as something new and exciting comes along. So back to planning my outfits and creating a Google Map of the locations.

I sometimes feel like I’ve made every wedding mistake in the book. Two dresses, under budgeting, booking vendors too early, not researching enough, and more.

I had a quick conversation with my step mother who was feeling left out of the planning and not included. I do believe the root of these feelings have to do with emotions about the event and less of the event details themselves. It’s about not knowing how people will fit in in the new family structure, of wanting their importance recognized and relationship validated. I didn’t quite know how to react, as those words hurt my feelings, went right to the core. We finished our call and I called B, crying, and wanted to elope to the NYC courthouse.

I suppose I had been focusing so much energy on my mom that I had been blindsided that I needed to equally make sure I was including others.

At this point in the game, there isn’t much to be decided on. Most decisions have been made, and we are finalizing options. Or working on DIY projects. I’ve learned to say ” this is what we are doing” rather than “We are thinking about this”. But mostly, I think family members just want to talk. They want to hear what we are doing, what we are planning, what’s going on. And share their thoughts and input.Including is having your relationship, and remembering to talk about things outside the wedding. (Or about the wedding in my case.)

I’m having some emotions about what our relationship is going to look like. We needed each other in years after my father passed. And then life happens, we heal, we continue on with our lives, as we should. Somehow, somewhere things shift, and this big event, amazing loving event that brings us all together causes more shifts.  I keep going back and forth as to whether or not this shift is real? I do think things change, but it’s micro and over time.

It’s a big complicated messy time. And I’m ready for a margarita and a wedding planning free weekend.

I’ve found a whole tribe of men and women who are planning in the face of sadness. But what about strained relationships? Or not very close ones? I’m not terribly close with my mom. She’s a difficult and complicated person. I’ve made some choices in my life that put some space between us. Since our engagement, we’ve been talking a few times a week, up from once a week. It’s bringing to light all the differences and unresolved issues we’ve had over the years.

My mom has been loving and supportive all my life; she has contributed to shape me into the person I am- but you can’t choose your family. We have a lot of hurt and as repressed Irish Catholics – we keep it in. We can’t find the words to express our true feelings and when we finally summon the courage to do- it’s a emotionally fraught exchange. I’ve learned that my mom is the way she is after 60 years and that’s a lot of undoing of a lot of hurt and psychology that won’t happen in the next three months.

I’ve been rereading the Conscious Bride, especially the sections of letting go and poking around the Mother’s Hut online*. I’ve found it helpful to think about what my mother may be feeling. There have been tiffs over the color I picked for my sisters dress, classic example of the hard to name feelings that we’ve been having.

I’ve been very independent of my mother for many year now, and I feel sad that we aren’t very close. All the television programs out there show mothers and daughters saying yes to the dress together, going over flower arrangements and tastings. I’ve been doing that largely alone or with Bryan, or just outsourcing. And all of that’s fine. It’s just details, but magnifying our fraught relationship. I wish that we were closer, to spend more of this time together. Or even just to be able to talk about our feelings, but there is just a lot of distance between us. Getting married will change our relationship, perhaps not in the immediate but in the future. Bryan and I may move farther away, certainly when we have children. These are complicated emotions for me to navigate, and I imagine they are for my mother.

These unresolved issues are magnified- I am reliving years of my life, feeling sadness, disappointment, hurt in the span of weeks. And I’m not quite sure how to handle it. These are issues that have been below the surface for many years, just pushed aside or ignored. I’m challenged to learn how to navigate the next three months, which already seem more stressful**. I want her to understand my expectations for this remaining time and I want for her to communicate them to me. At the very least, get us to somewhere in the middle, where we can enjoy this time together and be celebratory. A place where our actions and their meaning, come from a place of love and respect.

*and sending dear mom some articles
** 'cause the BIG DAY is coming

Walking to the train station, a song from the late 90s came on. Liz Phair’s Jealousy. By all accords, a rocking song, but tonight it hit a new chord.

Sometimes I’m envious of these high school/ college sweethearts. (And middle school. My dear sweet friend!). There was no life before them. Bryan and I are grown adults with a few relationships under our belts. And this was a first for me- the first man I had been substantially involved with to care about his ex. Our past relationship experiences framed a lot of our early conversations- what made us unhappy, why we stayed and ultimately why we left. These were the experiences we bonded over and through them discovered our shared values.

I wonder what we do with the digital artifacts of our previous relationships. I liken them to digital clutter- why hold on to it? Bryan says, why does it matter— and years down the road it will matter less. It’s still memories of the life he had before me, which involved experiences that shaped him into the man I adore. Yet, I say, why hold on to that. It was the pass, let it go.

Let me say this to shape my point- I don’t believe in the friendly exes. I don’t do it, and I’m not entirely convinced one can. Is it related to the idea of your partner (being spouse, B/G-friend) as your best friend. We are friends- but our relationship is more than best friends. I think you need some immediate distance, you still aren’t going to tell your now ex everything you once did. I’ll concede that people may be able to get to that point later on, but it involves a lot more people being on board with it.

So, I try to work through my jealousy. Is it the same pose in photographs? Was it the living together? Or was it the time in between his last relationship and me that drives me crazy? And the truth is, it’s a bit of all of it.

Jealousy is insecurity, anxiety and fear of a loss. My fears are that we won’t last; he’s going to leave me. It’s irrational, but it’s based in the relationship models I had growing up. We’ll be vowing our commitment to each other soon and already as Bryan says, feels in his heart that we are married. But underlying, there is this fear: of being rejected and pushed aside, at some point. It’s similar to the feelings I had early in our relationship- I felt like I was self sabotaging so he’d just get the breaking up with me over with. Marriages don’t fail so instantly, there is hurt, lies, contempt that builds up the breaking point. One must work every day at having a positive relationship and be honest about expectations.

About a month ago, I realized I hadn’t obsessed about some wedding related detail and furiously texted about this or that. I felt like I had my ideas of what was going to happen, and if not… well, somethings are bound to go wrong.

I’ve been focusing more of my energy on the after wedding stuff. What it means to be a wife, what it means to be married, what kind of wife do I want to be. And most of those answers, are an extension of who I am now. There won’t be some grand change, where I wake up and feel like a new person. But I’ve been mindful for the small changes taking place, of how relationships are slightly shifting, of how we move through time and space, and what impact that has on how others interact with us.

Perhaps I am more mindful of this as we are navigating the holidays. We’ve made our arrangements to see family, and the schedule felt good. Time was well distributed, enough to see everyone, but not so much to spread it thin. But of course, it’s never enough and feelings are bound to be hurt. We are very lucky that everyone is going to be in one state. We go back and forth between are we being reasonable, are we working with people enough? to we are reasonable, sometimes scheduling is an issue. This will get bigger when we have our own children. It’s about making decisions for us, as a unit and our respective families, and being trying to be fair.