I don’t believe that the wedding dress should be the most expensive thing a woman ever wears. And god, I hope not. That said, I believe a wedding dress should be lovely, elegant and fitting for the bride. I had a budget of around $800 for the dress. Not very much in this world of $3000+ Vera’s.  I dutifully went through the wedding magazines, oohing at a dress to gasping at the price. I loved the lace dresses, and always have. I figured maybe I could afford a preowned lace dress or something ivory at a local boutique, and lace it up.

One day in April, I headed out to look at dresses. These ridiculous time lines suggest you should start 12 months before, so no time like the present! The first place I went was The Bridal Garden to try on dresses. A nonprofit bridal boutique that raises money for education in NYC. Win-win. The store was lovely with a good selection of dresses, good organization, excellent prices, and helpful but hands off staff. I grabbed an armful of dresses (heavy!) and went into the fitting room. Dress after dress wasn’t me. The dress I like the most was a beaded and lace number that would have required extensive alterations. I’m getting married outside (fingers crossed) and our evening won’t be that formal.  I also disliked how this particular dress looked. It was have required two pairs of Spanx, fishing line and a personal trainer. I am not interested in Spanx on my wedding day. I thanked the employee for her time and headed out to my next appointment.

Near by was Jenny Yoo who offers a alternative bridal collection. Simple, elegant dresses. And super affordable. Did I mention that? The cuts were excellent, a-line, simple and vintage looking… but too simple. I wanted something in between the lace and beaded gown and a simple plain dress.

I decided to round out my day at RK Bridal. It’s no frills and good prices. First come, first served. Put your name on a list for a dressing room, and then find the dresses you want, organized by designer. I found four lacy tea length dresses and waited for my fitting room. There’s really no place to sit down, so I ended up standing around and watching women come out of the dressing rooms, to show their mother’s and bridal party their selections. Some even had on tees proclaiming BRIDE and MOH. I watched one particular bride leave her dressing room, gowned and veiled. The woman helping her (who must have been working there since they opened), proclaimed, “Now this is what a bride looks like! Pure elegance!” Now, this woman and I have very different ideas of what elegance is, and I carefully reminded myself that. Having seen enough, I found a little bench in the back and pulled out my New Yorker, waiting for my name to be called. After a few moments, I realize my heart is pounding and I’m starting to feel lightheaded. And, I might be sick. Like now. I race out of the store and grab a cab. I barely make it down my block, let alone into my apartment, to get sick. I would have been at that store, all alone, trying on dresses, in front of others who would be judging me inside their heads. It was all just too much. I couldn’t handle it.

Bryan came home just as I was, er, in the bathroom and reminded me to relax. After a week or so, I reflected on the process. I was leaning towards the Jenny Yoo dresses, perhaps having it altered, adding some lace.  But why jump through those hoops?  I could have something made! I ended up knowing that I had a stronger sense about what I liked and didn’t like, and knew that it was going to be have to special. I had been reading the Wedding Bee, and knew I wanted a strong and fitting dress. I’m a clothes kind of girl. It mattered to me to have something fitting for the feel of the day, my style and my range.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I was shopping in Nolita when I popped into Saja. I was looking for a dress to wear to a wedding, and eyed some lovely white dresses at the end of the rack. I tried on one, and thought it lovely. It was tea length, romantic, and didn’t require any alterations. It was one day and one year before my wedding and I thought it was a sign. I slapped down my credit card and skipped out the door. I thought myself so cool for checking that one off the list.

Months later, she didn’t sit right with me. Every time I thought of the dress, I was filled with dread. I didn’t love it. I felt some internal pressure to buy the dress. That it was good enough and would do the trick. In retrospect, I should have walked away but I felt anxiety about trying on dresses and finding something I loved in my price range. I had tried to convince myself that it would be fine, it’s just one night! And then, a lifetime in pictures! I mulled it over with two of my nonbridesmaids, who said, if you don’t love it, then find something else. I dreaded telling Bryan. I thought he’d be so upset at my quickness. Of course, he was wonderful and understanding.

I tried to return the dress in August, but as with most bridal, there is a strict all sales final policy. I listed her on WeddingBee and Craigslist and not a drop of interest. I figured I would try my best to sell it, consign it locally, or just wear it to our post wedding party.

Over Thanksgiving, Saja worked to put me in touch with a young woman who was interested in buying the dress, but it didn’t work out. However, just after the holidays Once Wed featured a wedding with that dress! And I had the last dress available! The store no longer carried this dress. I emailed them back to see if they’d reconsider their policy, and they agreed to offer store credit. I listed it on Once Wed, and within 12 hours had a buyer and shipped it that same day. We were able to get back most of the money on the dress and no longer had it hanging over our heads. I skipped out of the post office, having put her in route to a bride. It felt wonderful.

Though… of course our story doesn’t end here. There is a dress. A fabulous, much more me and appropriate dress. And shoes! Oh, the shoes! Stay tuned.

We’ve been living together for a year at this point, and still have nothing on our walls. It’s a tricky situation, or is it? I keep saying, we aren’t going to be here forever, yet we will be for at least the next year. It’s hard to invest in furniture when we aren’t sure what our future homes may look like, and our current apartment is tiny. It’s basically two rooms, the GRAND room and the bedroom. The GRAND room being: the living room, foyer, dining room,  and kitchen. (I like calling in the GRAND room, with a large sweep of my arms.)

It’s a tiny West Village apartment and we love it. But we need stuff on the walls and it’s a challenge to find out where our tastes overlap.

Mirrors are a great solution- they help make the space look bigger. Apartment Therapy had an interview with Jonathan Adler today and I learned about this new website, 1st Dibs. And then found this stunning mirrors:

How cool are they? I love the idea of the set hanging next to each other like eyes.

Bryan has just a handful of guy friends who are married. After our engagement he asked one of them, How is it different? Being married as to just being committed to each other? What’s the benefit?

His friend told him the good was still good, but the bad, the fights, the life choices, no matter how fraught with difficulty and urge for flight, you stay and remain and work through it. And it doesn’t seems as bad knowing that you will get through it and it will be okay.

I’m thankful for this perspective. And I think it’s one that Bryan and I share.

Once again, Portia is incredibly eloquent and moving as she schools* Elisabeth Hasselback on the the importance of the term “marriage” when discussing the right to marry.

After watching this, the “separate but equal” phrasing popped into my head. It just drives me nuts that states are willing to afford all the same privileges without the word. It’s going to be a happy day in America when we all have the right to marry the person we choose.

* Yeah, Jezebel used it first, but really… there’s no other apporpriate verb.

I am a bad bad blogger.

So, last week I went to visit my best friend in New Orleans. She and her fiance relocated in July and it was the perfect weekend to see their new city and meet their community. We spent a lot of time talking about wedding things: catering and cost saving ideas  to what it means to be a wife, and how that fits into the narrative of adult rites of passage.

I reflected on our conversation on the flight back, and should have written some notes. I think what I’ve taken away at this point is how I’m apperciative we are going through the same rite of passage. She said she hadn’t thought much about being a wife, and questioned whether things would change. I think they do, they must change, or else why would we commit ourselves to a partner for life? There must be security and safety that allows mircochange. I think a lot about being a wife, outside of being a mother. I’m thankful to have a friend who is going through the same rite of passage to share my thoughts and feelings with. As similiar as we are, we are both approaching marriage and wife-hood differently. The space in between is where the learning takes place.

wedding bizness = lots of letter writing

lots of letter writing = new stationary!

Jessica was a dream to work with! So quick and friendly. We picked them up from her last night, and we both love them! We got both of our names on the flat card and our full names on the envelope. They are strong and modern.

lots of letter writing = sore hands