It’s just gotten to be too much. It’s been a year, you were my first, and helped me get my feet wet. I will always remember you fondly. But Wedding Bee, it’s time we break up. I barely read you anymore, and I just can’t read another dress post with the urgent Mr. Cute Nickname, look away NOW! I can’t read 3 posts on save the dates, or shoes, or whatever. I know how important and frustrating that all can be. I know what it feels like to have your wedding at the center of the world, but it’s just your world. My wedding is almost two months away, and it’s not the center of mine.

I broke up with Martha Stewart weddings this morning. Gave them all a once over, and brought them to the recycle bin. I saved a handful of blog posts for later, but I’m moving on. I wish you all the best- as you grow and become a more diverse website.

I’m going to the movies.

I saw this article linked through Jezebel the other morning, ROI: What a Wedding Really Costs. Nothing makes me more stabby than some article about weddings and their related costs. Okay, something does make me more stabby– the comments on such articles about how folks only spent $10,000 or  $3,500 or some ridiculous race to the bottom about who spent the least on her wedding. It’s not the point, ladies and gentlemen.

I read articles like this, and immediately feel bad for having an average budget and wanting to spend it on a wedding. Yes, perhaps a wedding has nothing to do with the success of the marriage, which is really why we are doing all of this. We want to have our community around us when we vow our love and commitment to each other. Every single person we’ve invited has shaped us into the people we are, loved us, supported us, made us laugh, made us cry, fed us, gave us drink, gave us shelter, love, a place to crash, shoulders to cry on and arms to hold us. These are the people who have made us who we are. But, we have to feed people and give them drink*. And it costs money- and things just add up. We’ve been thrifty, but it just adds up. (Especially when we’ve under budgeted. Whoops!) Even your rustic backyard wedding, with mason jars and and DIY up the wazoo costs money. ‘Cause you need to rent plates, forks, toilets, glasses. It All Adds Up.

Here’s the part I do like about the wedding industrial complex. It brings hard earned dollars into local communities. Out of town guests are staying in hotels, eating at local restaurants, shopping in local shops. The couple hires a local caterer, who hires local servers. The hair salon, the florist, the DJ, the photographer– these are all people who potentially live in the community and who’s livelihood is connected in some part to weddings. It’s a local way to support small businesses. We are marrying in a vibrant Western Mass town, with a robust economy. But still, it feels good to know that we are bringing in hard earned dollars to a community we love.

The danger with these articles is that they are unrealistic. So your $17,500 wedding may cost you $150,000 in the long run? So will the adorable t-strap shoes you just picked up at Filene’s Basement, that fancy cocktail at Little Branch, the DoodleJump app, dinner for two at the local Thai joint and on it goes. Why stop there, WSJ?

Why do we make people feel bad about enjoying their dollars? It’s as if all of a sudden all brides are reduced to this cultural idea of bridezilla, wanting a three grand gown and a four tiered wedding cake; that somehow, collectively, we’ve all lost sight of the prize. It’s tiresome.

*One of the few non negotiables from Bryan: ceremony not in a Catholic Church,
a Saturday night reception with an open bar. done and done.

I’ve had to step back from the bridal media, as with less than three months left, I don’t need ideas. I need results. I need to sign checks, make decisions and move on.

Last week I was feeling a bit delicate after a late night dancing with girlfriends. Out of towners always mean dinner, drinks, more drinks and inevitable dancing no matter where we are. After lunch, I checked my email. And it was from Ruffled letting me know that I had won an engagement photo session.

I squealed and immediately called Bryan! YIPPEE! I had wanted to do photos in New York, but with photographers friends who have offered, we couldn’t justify the cost. SO, perfect! I was already scouting outfits in my head, planning the locations, seeing how much we could cram into the 2 hours.

Then, in the last few days… I’ve gotten nervous. It’s going to be featured on Ruffled, which is awesome.  So many people are going to see it, and of course, I’ll tweet and Facebook about it. I entered this contest, but it feels different to knowing that so many people are getting a little inside look at us. It’s strange.

When I started wedding planning, I daydreamed about seeing my wedding featured on blogs. I have no idea why… is it 15 minutes of fame, says something about our taste and budget, our good looks. I got over it, realizing that my wedding is not a photo shoot. It’s a private affair between Bryan and I, our families, friends, loved ones. It’s a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration. It’s going to be us.

In the end, it’s going to be a fun blog post. Bryan and I will look fabulous and Jenny Sun will take amazing photos. The girl knows her way around light.  Folks will see the blog post, comment, share it, tweet it, blog about  it.Then, it’s over as something new and exciting comes along. So back to planning my outfits and creating a Google Map of the locations.

Do you stop looking at wedding stuff once it’s all over? I certainly hope so. I’m already filling my reader with more home and design blogs instead of wedding blogs. But upon searching for some old links about short dresses, I stumbled upon this gorgeous frock from a Portland OR designer The English Dept.

Stop. Can we talk about how gorgeous this bodice is, Alençon lace and vintage pearls? And the length is perfect. I love it. And the price is outstanding for custom made and with vintage materials. She has a shop in Portland that I will be visiting when we are in town for a July wedding.

So, apparently you can’t have a secret blog on the internet. I should have known better.

So, hello Mom*! Hi Colleagues!

We had a snow day on Wednesday. My library closed due to the weather (!), and I spent most of the day parked on the couch with bridal business. I made some appointments, worked on our address list, talk to our lovely and helpful invite designers, poked around for hair styles, and went through old Martha Stewart Wedding magazines. All while watching Bride Wars.  It was awesome.

While the whole movie was very much over the top, the final showdown scene at the Plaza was much of the heart of the movie. Emma charges after Liv, but finally says, “I can’t do this anymore.” It’s her inner emotions finally coming out about marriage and what it means. It’s the exhausting work about being perfect and the best, when it comes down to holy crap, this is happening? what does it mean? I feel a bit of this, facing down three months. It’s called transition fear and it’s totally normal. I have had  a few meltdowns with Bryan, a chorus of What Ifs.

I keep going back to emails Bryan wrote me in the beginning of the planning and how stressful it was. He said, I think finding that person is the hard part of wedding planning and luckily we can cross that off the list. And it’s a path we’ve come to together, and everyday we work on our relationship in small ways. It’s a journey we are taking together, and just remembering that and playing his words over in my head comfort me. It’s a reminder that I’m not doing this alone, but together with a person who adores me and celebrates the person I am.

* who turns out to be a better Googler than I am.
Maybe that's where I get my librarian skills from.

I sometimes feel like I’ve made every wedding mistake in the book. Two dresses, under budgeting, booking vendors too early, not researching enough, and more.

I had a quick conversation with my step mother who was feeling left out of the planning and not included. I do believe the root of these feelings have to do with emotions about the event and less of the event details themselves. It’s about not knowing how people will fit in in the new family structure, of wanting their importance recognized and relationship validated. I didn’t quite know how to react, as those words hurt my feelings, went right to the core. We finished our call and I called B, crying, and wanted to elope to the NYC courthouse.

I suppose I had been focusing so much energy on my mom that I had been blindsided that I needed to equally make sure I was including others.

At this point in the game, there isn’t much to be decided on. Most decisions have been made, and we are finalizing options. Or working on DIY projects. I’ve learned to say ” this is what we are doing” rather than “We are thinking about this”. But mostly, I think family members just want to talk. They want to hear what we are doing, what we are planning, what’s going on. And share their thoughts and input.Including is having your relationship, and remembering to talk about things outside the wedding. (Or about the wedding in my case.)

I’m having some emotions about what our relationship is going to look like. We needed each other in years after my father passed. And then life happens, we heal, we continue on with our lives, as we should. Somehow, somewhere things shift, and this big event, amazing loving event that brings us all together causes more shifts.  I keep going back and forth as to whether or not this shift is real? I do think things change, but it’s micro and over time.

It’s a big complicated messy time. And I’m ready for a margarita and a wedding planning free weekend.