welcome to the club.

Posted by maura on January 20th, 2010 — Posted in hot dirty work

i’ve been thinking about and feeling the pain surrounding wedding planning. the ever wise meg, leader of the practical brides, posted a question from a reader. her father was very ill, and may not make her wedding. she was reaching out to the community of readers to say wtf, this sucks, and what do i do?

weddding planning is hard work, it’s money, it’s details. but it’s also some of the most emotional taxing work i’ve ever done on a consistent basis. and it is not fun.

my father died on sept 21 2003, just a few months after i graduated from college. it was sudden and painful. he entered the hospital on the night i drove to boston to see bjork and died 3 weeks later. my dad was never well through my life, struggling with his weight and side effects of being overweight. that first year was the most painful- a physical pang in my heart, a measured loss, a concrete change. and then slowly you shift. i believe if one could  hover in space and look down at the imeline of my life, there is a large black line (or maybe even a wall, ’cause you can’t go back) when my father died. crossing that line meant crossing into a new life, a new world and learning how to be okay in that space.

and father’s have a big role in weddings, right? i mean, traditionally a father gives her daughter away, dances with her, gives a speech. and even before, he’s to approve of her beloved and offer his blessings for the engagement. taking all the feminist concerns and trappings of patriarchy away, father of the bride is a big deal. especially when, you can’t have it. the fresh faced women studies major may have balked at being given away, but today i see it more as a symbolic act of recognition. i am who i am because of my parents, and it’s a way to honor them. (remember, ’cause weddings just aren’t about you.)

but this is the sadness of wedding planning that no bridal magazine speaks of. what it’s like to plan a wedding in the face of sadness, and many more women and men are planning while sadness is unfolding on a daily basis. i was so thankful for this post- it was the voices i had been waiting to here. that i wasn’t alone in carrying darkness around.

and this is a club. not any club we’d want to be members of, but here we are. a club of pain, longing, sadness, but a club of hope, joy and deep love. and out of this club, we learn about the ways to celebrate the people we love at our celebrations. i’ve asked my dad’s sister to read a mary oliver poem, poppies. a good friend, a lover of poetry, sent to me shortly after my father died. it was touching, raw, and provided a little light- of life beyond the current plain. poppies has provided me comfort over the years- words i constantly turn to, keep nearby.

and this lightness, this happiness is our marriage. our commitment to each other. and while not there, i know my dad’s love will be shining down.

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