Wedding Planning and Strained Relationships
I’ve found a whole tribe of men and women who are planning in the face of sadness. But what about strained relationships? Or not very close ones? I’m not terribly close with my mom. She’s a difficult and complicated person. I’ve made some choices in my life that put some space between us. Since our engagement, we’ve been talking a few times a week, up from once a week. It’s bringing to light all the differences and unresolved issues we’ve had over the years.
My mom has been loving and supportive all my life; she has contributed to shape me into the person I am- but you can’t choose your family. We have a lot of hurt and as repressed Irish Catholics – we keep it in. We can’t find the words to express our true feelings and when we finally summon the courage to do- it’s a emotionally fraught exchange. I’ve learned that my mom is the way she is after 60 years and that’s a lot of undoing of a lot of hurt and psychology that won’t happen in the next three months.
I’ve been rereading the Conscious Bride, especially the sections of letting go and poking around the Mother’s Hut online*. I’ve found it helpful to think about what my mother may be feeling. There have been tiffs over the color I picked for my sisters dress, classic example of the hard to name feelings that we’ve been having.
I’ve been very independent of my mother for many year now, and I feel sad that we aren’t very close. All the television programs out there show mothers and daughters saying yes to the dress together, going over flower arrangements and tastings. I’ve been doing that largely alone or with Bryan, or just outsourcing. And all of that’s fine. It’s just details, but magnifying our fraught relationship. I wish that we were closer, to spend more of this time together. Or even just to be able to talk about our feelings, but there is just a lot of distance between us. Getting married will change our relationship, perhaps not in the immediate but in the future. Bryan and I may move farther away, certainly when we have children. These are complicated emotions for me to navigate, and I imagine they are for my mother.
These unresolved issues are magnified- I am reliving years of my life, feeling sadness, disappointment, hurt in the span of weeks. And I’m not quite sure how to handle it. These are issues that have been below the surface for many years, just pushed aside or ignored. I’m challenged to learn how to navigate the next three months, which already seem more stressful**. I want her to understand my expectations for this remaining time and I want for her to communicate them to me. At the very least, get us to somewhere in the middle, where we can enjoy this time together and be celebratory. A place where our actions and their meaning, come from a place of love and respect.
*and sending dear mom some articles ** 'cause the BIG DAY is coming