Posted by maura on April 29th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: names
from flickr user lwr
Women who take their husband’s last names earn less, read headlines across multiple news sources this week. They earn less, are seen as less intelligent, less competent and less ambitious, but more caring and dependable. And if you decide to keep your own name, you are more likely to earn more, but will be thought of as more independent, intelligent and competent, but less caring.
I think these traits just might say more about the types of women in the world, and less of a correlation. I’m keeping my own name, and think myself independent, intelligent and competent as well as caring and dependable. My married friends who have taken their spouses names are just the same. A woman who takes her husband’s last name might be seen as more traditional, she might be more traditional.
The issue of names is intense. Right now, I’m keeping my name and Bryan is keeping his. I’ve always wanted to hold onto my name- especially after my father died. I just plain like it and it connects me to him. I wouldn’t want Bryan to take it, and he didn’t want to give up his name either. Professionally, we are pretty set into our careers and making names for ourselves. It would be trickier for him- needing to change his name with the various bar boards. We briefly touched on a new name together, but decided it wasn’t for us. He spoke that he would like me to take his name, but understands my reasons for not.
I say, I’m keeping my name now, but I think things might change when we start to reproduce, and I’m allowing myself to be open to changes along the way. We are starting to get wedding presents address to Mr & Mrs Weber, and I chuckle at the assumption. I could be upset, freak out and lash out about how unfair it is and how dare they assume, but why waste the energy. We are in sync regarding names, and we are the only people (who should) give a damn.
ps. Read the whole report here.
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Posted by maura on April 26th, 2010 — Posted in lesson's learned
Tags: emotions, wedding season
from flickr user lwr
Wedding Season is on! We’ll be attending 7 weddings through October, including our own. We’ll be missing two, scheduled on the same day as other weddings.
Saturday night kicked off the season. This was being held at the Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers, so close to our apartment that we walked the High Line to get there. We arrived before the schedule start and milled around in the lobby. We were let into the ceremony area, and sat awaiting the start with a gorgeous view of the Hudson River and New Jersey skyline. We could see friends peaking around the curtain, watching the space fill up with the faces of loved ones. The ceremony was very short and sweet. They had an officiant with the best New York accent I’ve heard in a long time, an old schooler. They selected two readings of lyrics- great indie rock songs that I’m sure are meaningful for them. And then- vows and rings, married! I sat there, soaking in every moment, knowing that in two weeks, our loved ones, some of them in this room would be sitting waiting anxiously for us to walk towards our marriage. That our voices may become shaky as we read our vows and exchange rings.
Just as the ceremony ended and the wedding party walked down the aisle, the curtains were parted and it was cocktail hour! Servers waiting with wine and champagne (note to my venue!) and a delicious spread of food. We mingled with our friends, enjoyed the champagne and open bar. At some point, we made our way to our table for dinner. We sat with two other couples, friends of the Mister from high school and two men, friends of the groom who didn’t know anyone. We had the first course around 9 and didn’t eat our entree until 11:00, which was a bit late for me. There was a dessert course and cake. It seemed like many meals went uneaten.
Perhaps this is a wedding trend, but there was a lot of dancing before dinner and between courses. While I was on the dance floor rocking some air guitar, I do find it confusing and not sure I like it. I like having my meal and then the dance party. It never felt like a dance party got going, as it was being interrupted for courses. Some friends commented that having dancing before dinner allows some older family members to dance, who may leave earlier.
I was thinking that their wedding was good practice, thinking about how lovely it was, but there might be things that didn’t go as planned for them. And guess what? I didn’t notice! If something was off, or didn’t go as planned, I would have never noticed. I drank, danced, mingled and behaved as a proper wedding guest. I was curious if I’d feel any jealousy- or inadequacy about my own wedding. Sometimes, I’d feel that my wedding wasn’t going to be like all the ones I see featured on blogs. That it’s not unique, indie, DIY, fill in the blank enough. The minute I stopped reading those blogs is the day those feelings went away. I’m comfortable knowing we made all the best decisions for our wedding, a true reflection of what we want, who we are, and what we could afford. And the authenticity is in the feeling of the day, something you can’t buy.
There was a moment I was unprepared for, and most likely was helpful. The bride’s father had passed away years ago, and I had a moment of tears spilling over during the sister’s toast. Before she ended, she said, “I wish Daddy was here to see you” and I just heaved internally. The mister quickly put his arm around me and rubbed my back. I will sob at any mention of a missing parent, on any occasion. The sadness I’ve felt in the past year is immeasurable, and I know there is no preparation for the emotions on the day, and I will let myself feel all of them as they come.
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Posted by maura on April 23rd, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: cost, numbers
lost numbers
I figured a good numbers update was in order based on all the back and forth I’ve done with our guest list.
Original Guest list as invites went out: 161
Original Guest List RSVP Yes: 131
Original Guest List RSVP No: 30
Guests who made it to our guest list for one reason or another: 5
Total Guests attending: 136
Children Invited: 11
Children Attending: 8
Grand total: 144 people.
percentage who said no: 18.63%
percentage who said yes: 84.47%
(these are slightly off, but good enough for me)
What’s awesome? Plugging that number into our spreadsheet and learning what our open bar and catering totals will be. (The short story: We are 54.66 under what we originally budgeted way back when we started to figure things out.)
What the Mister thinks is Awesome: assigning those people to tables.*
* I recommend the Martha Stewart seating chart tool.
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Posted by maura on April 23rd, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: final countdown, stress
I’m not sure what I thought these final weeks would look like, but what our reality is like- it’s not it. My allergies kicking around, making me worried about feeling like crap on the wedding day. The Mister had a cavity filling go awry and is traveling to see our family member dentist, leaving me solo for the night. He’s been taking some time off from running to strengthen his weak butt (ha!). My skin has decided to revert back to being 23 when I had terrible acne issues. A handful of other things are reminders that real life is still happening amidst all this wedding planning.
I’ve been stressed that this period isn’t feeling as happy as it should. We haven’t been connecting, we are so stressed out about planning. I groaned to a friend that every conversation keeps coming back to something wedding related. It’s not the fun creative things either, it’s how many people are coming? What is the budget looking like? How are we dealing with this thing or that? I am just over it already, and want to get to the day. Wake up and meet all of our friends for our morning 5k race, get to the salon to get my hair and make up done, and hanging out with my unbridesmaids. I just want to be in the moment, knowing all the details are behind me. I want to say our vows underneath pine trees and quietly hold each others hands. I want to be done worrying about emotions and have a strong cocktail, dancing with my ladies.
I want us to be married. There’s been so much build up and anticipation. I just want to get to the I Dos.
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Posted by maura on April 23rd, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: bachelorette, final countdown
from flickr user lwr
tuesday night:
made a yummy risotto, watched lost while getting tipsy on a half bottle of moet & chandon. put on my wedding band and had a madonna dance party.
thursday night:
smokey eyes and red lipstick for the release party of the latest issue of granta magazine at a very sexy boutique in soho.
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Posted by maura on April 20th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: names, question
If I keep my own last name, am I still a Mrs?
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Posted by maura on April 15th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: ceremony
from flickr user bitzi
It’s a Lost number.And I loved this photo.
There are a million things I want to write about, like our massive to do list, the book I’m reading right now and my thoughts on it, how I met the Mister (you want to know, right?), how much I freaking can’t wait for honeymoon, and more.
But, I’m swamped at work. I have an hour and half commute, where I could be blogging*, but I nap. Then I’m running for the next race I’m training for. And then, I’m trying to tie up a million loose ends, and until Wordpress comes out with their iPad app (hint hint!), I’m not sitting in front of the computer. And, you know, I want to spend some time with the mister. Blogging is helpful, and getting feedback is so wonderful. Thank you ladies.
So, instead I thought I’d share with you a poem. That will be read in our ceremony. The night I read it, I burst into tears knowing it was the perfect reading and selected for us by the mister’s friend who will be reading it. It was short, spot on and by one of our favorite writers.
Habitation by Margaret Atwood
Marriage is not
a house or even a tent
it is before that, and colder:
The edge of the forest, the edge
of the desert
the unpainted stairs
at the back where we squat
outside, eating popcorn
where painfully and with wonder
at having survived even
this far
we are learning to make fire
And with that, ceremony readings are checked off the list!
*I could be blogging on my iphone even at home,
but i spend too much time in front of the computer.
ps. does anyone watch Lost? I LOVE how it is all about LOVE!
I don't care if they never answer any of our questions!
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Posted by maura on April 15th, 2010 — Posted in hot dirty work
Tags: communication, relationships
from flickr user bitzi
The other night, the mister and I did a short run. I was having one of those days where it felt I never woke up. I was going to pass on the run to get some thank you cards done, but he convinced me otherwise.
As we were running and chatting, he abruptly says, “Babe! Watch out for the poop!” and pushes me to the side.
I was incensed! “I see the effing poop! You don’t need to effing shove me!” His face went shocked, and quietly said wow. I felt terrible for yelling at him and embarrassed to have such a strong reaction to something that he says to me all the time. (I’m like a poop magnet. If it’s on the street, I’ll step into it. And he always gently steers me away.)
I didn’t strike me until this morning after two more short encounters, that I’m internalizing a lot of stress at the moment. And quite frankly, there is a lot of stress. Family stuff, did I make the right choices with vendors, SO much left to do, so little time, that I’m a little short. I’m processing every comment, every remark as negative. I’m in the NEO.
When I got home last night, we were sitting together, sharing our days. I found myself reacting to something as criticism, and I immediately apologized and explained to him how I was feeling. He didn’t quite understand, and didn’t know how I would react to anything right now. I explained that whenever something he says that could sound like an order or starts with You, is when I get on the defensive. He replied that he’d be more aware of his words.
Our conversation turned to the things overwhelming me at the moment, the massive to do list of things I’d like to get done this weekend. He turned and looked at the apartment and said, “It would be nice if we could get some of these half finished projects done.”
I looked at him, and said criticism. “It’s what we were just talking about, saying how I feel like I need an extra day to finish these projects! I can’t do them at night, because I need to go outside! I know what has to be done, and the earliest I can get to it is Sunday. I have thought of everything I felt like he was doubting me, that I hadn’t already made a mental list of everything to be done and figured out a when.
He apologized, and suggested I needed to let him in my brain, into the to do list so he knows what’s going on. And so we try, to exercise more humility.
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Posted by maura on April 10th, 2010 — Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: etiquette, guests, invitations
from flickr user watz
I committed a huge wedding faux pas. I uninvited someone from a duo. All along I had been under the assumption that Party Z wouldn’t be attending. Why did I have that assumption? ‘Cause Party Y told me so. Party Y also reported Party Z had moved out, to figure things out. I reported this back to the Mister, and he said, might as well keep Z on the invite, Y’s going through a lot right now. Well, invite arrives. Y reports Z loved it and can’t wait to come.
Now, the truth of the matter is: I never wanted want Z to be there. Y deserves much more than the shitstorm Z has given. Yet, Y stays and stays.
So, there came a moment, not the one I had planned in my head, but probably best it happened organically, I had to tell Y I really didn’t want Z there. It was all over my face and the words just came rushing out. And the truth is, I felt terrible about it and wished I could stuff them back in my mouth. Talked it over with the Mister that night, agreeing that we dropped the ball, and I should have been more honest about it from the beginning.
Last night, I get an email that Y isn’t coming to the wedding. Not at all surprised. Family stuff Mother’s Day weekend birthdays sick aunt new babies. But underneath all of that, there is the hurtful thing I said.
I held my ground, not wanting a person I don’t respect to be with us on such a special and intimate day around respect, honesty and commitment. There would be negative energy. I am disappointed in how I handled it. And perhaps this ends our friendship.
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Posted by maura on April 9th, 2010 — Posted in lesson's learned
Tags: etiquette, guests, invitations
photo by flickr user timslessor
Uninvited guest issues has been a great source of stress recently. I have a very complex family, with many branches. One branch is of my half-siblings. My father was married to a woman before my mom and had 5 children with her. They range from 8-16 years older than me, and I’ve never really been close to them. There were some years in my teens that I spent time with my next oldest sister. During the time we were figuring out budget/guestlist, I struggled with the question of inviting them. With Dad not around, I felt the decision was harder to make. I went back and forth repeatedly. Bryan and I discussed it endlessly, as it was 8 additional people with spouses, a whole extra table. My three married siblings also have children, an extra 5. Inviting them made the guest list swell. When we were considering a guest list of around 130, they were 10%. In the end, I decided that I would invite the siblings, but not their children. I made peace with that decision and moved on. I felt that inviting them to be a part of our wedding day was a nice gesture, that despite our lack of a relationship we share a father. Bryan felt it was like opening a window to future relations, while maybe not inviting them would close that.
The guest list was a complicated onerous task, involving tears, mini fights, and at times the worst in me. We’ve made little rules to help us manage the guest list, rules to guide the process, to keep us sane. We invited spouses, live in partners, fiances- standard. We limited the guest list to first cousins. We decided to invite the partners of a handful of friends- most of which we know and have socialized with; they aren’t living together, but we spend time with them as a couple.
So, order invites. Mail them out! Do a dance. Now the RSVPs are rolling in. (Which is one of the best parts of the whole process. Love in the mail on pretty paper.) One sibling added his two teenage children, and a few days later another added her teenage daughter. We went back and forth again on the issue. I feel it is somewhat complicated as we are inviting family children. And technically they are family children. But, I barely have a relationship with the parents. Our respective sister’s have wonderful little ones and our cousin’s children are pretty much nieces and nephews. For us, it was essential to invite those kidlets. It wouldn’t be the same without them.
I followed the proper etiquette by addressing the invited on envelope. Now, I feel that I have to make 2, potentially 3 awkward phone calls. Bryan and I made decisions based on our budget, size of venue, familiarity with people- hard choices. It feels like I’m going to be the bad person, explaining that we are unable to extend the invite to their children. And it’s my call. Bryan and I have had a few long conversations about what to do. He feels strongly that other people aren’t going to dictate our guest list to us. But then, two friends have inquired if they could bring their girlfriends, who they are quite serious about. I’m inclined to say yes to the ladies, as I feel that they will be a part of our friend’s lives, and therefore ours. And the truth is, we can swing the extra children as well. But, part of me is okay with the numbers getting smaller, closer to the size we originally planned for. We have just 7 more days before all the RSVPs are in. So the truth of the matter is, I’m putting it off. While they may be totally fine with it, it might also blow up in my face. But people are generally understanding, right?
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