Walking to the train station, a song from the late 90s came on. Liz Phair’s Jealousy. By all accords, a rocking song, but tonight it hit a new chord.

Sometimes I’m envious of these high school/ college sweethearts. (And middle school. My dear sweet friend!). There was no life before them. Bryan and I are grown adults with a few relationships under our belts. And this was a first for me- the first man I had been substantially involved with to care about his ex. Our past relationship experiences framed a lot of our early conversations- what made us unhappy, why we stayed and ultimately why we left. These were the experiences we bonded over and through them discovered our shared values.

I wonder what we do with the digital artifacts of our previous relationships. I liken them to digital clutter- why hold on to it? Bryan says, why does it matter— and years down the road it will matter less. It’s still memories of the life he had before me, which involved experiences that shaped him into the man I adore. Yet, I say, why hold on to that. It was the pass, let it go.

Let me say this to shape my point- I don’t believe in the friendly exes. I don’t do it, and I’m not entirely convinced one can. Is it related to the idea of your partner (being spouse, B/G-friend) as your best friend. We are friends- but our relationship is more than best friends. I think you need some immediate distance, you still aren’t going to tell your now ex everything you once did. I’ll concede that people may be able to get to that point later on, but it involves a lot more people being on board with it.

So, I try to work through my jealousy. Is it the same pose in photographs? Was it the living together? Or was it the time in between his last relationship and me that drives me crazy? And the truth is, it’s a bit of all of it.

Jealousy is insecurity, anxiety and fear of a loss. My fears are that we won’t last; he’s going to leave me. It’s irrational, but it’s based in the relationship models I had growing up. We’ll be vowing our commitment to each other soon and already as Bryan says, feels in his heart that we are married. But underlying, there is this fear: of being rejected and pushed aside, at some point. It’s similar to the feelings I had early in our relationship- I felt like I was self sabotaging so he’d just get the breaking up with me over with. Marriages don’t fail so instantly, there is hurt, lies, contempt that builds up the breaking point. One must work every day at having a positive relationship and be honest about expectations.